A Chicken and Horse
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse winnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around the chicken spied the farmer's new Z3-series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny B'mer, and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward, and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented -best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.Looking underneath,he told the chicken to "grab his thingie" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,saving his life.
The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Lisa H. January 15, 1999
Three Drunk Mice
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
Lisa H. October 19, 1998
Don't Kick the Animals
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?", he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Lisa H. February 18, 1999
The Perfect Pet
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! - A centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? So he goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!" The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes.
Lisa H. November 10, 1998
One Liners
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Cheri S., October 30, 1998
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Cheri S., October 30, 1998
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Cheri S., October 30, 1998
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Cheri S., October 30, 1998
What do you get from a pampered cow?Spoiled milk.
Cheri S., October 30, 1998
How do you catch a unique rabbit?Unique up on it!
Cheri S., October 30, 1998
How do you catch a tame rabbit?Tame way, unique up on it!
Cheri S., November 11, 1998
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Cheri S., November 11, 1998
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Robert A. Heinlein
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
Robert Benchley
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
Unknown
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!
Dr. Tom Cat
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
Edward Abbey
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
Unknown
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
Unknown
Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
Anne Tyler
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
Joe Weinstein
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
Christopher Morley
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
Josh Billings
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
James Thurber
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.
Nora Ephron
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Ann Landers.
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
Smiley Blanton
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
Andrew A. Rooney
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
Unknown
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
Gene Hill
In dog years, I'm dead.
Unknown
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Dave Barry
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
Aldous Huxley
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Sue Murphy
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
August Strindberg
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
Fran Lebowitz
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
Holbrook Jackson
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Mark Twain
I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
John Steinbeck
I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us urinating in his water bowl.
Penny Ward Moser
Next Life, I want to be a dog in my family!
Silly Sally
Animal Puns
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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils
Cheri S., November 11, 1998
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A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
Cheri S., November 11, 1998
What is a Cat?
- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They're totally unpredictable.
- They whine when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They're moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Lisa H. June 6, 1999
Whale Revenge
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Lisa H. November 10, 1998
Rare Species of Gorilla
A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, a veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Burl, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Burl was rumored to possess ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might entice Burl to satisfy the female gorilla. They approached him with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for $500?
Burl: I might be interested. Let me think it over. He entered the zoo administrators' office the following day.
Burl: I accept your offer, but with 3 conditions: 1st, I don't want to have to kiss her. 2nd, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result.
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but inquired about the 3rd condition?
Burl: Well, you've gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.
Lisa H. November 10, 1998
Puzzled Parrot
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?
Lisa H. November 10, 1998
The Burglar
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
Lisa H. February 18, 1999
The Vampire Bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me."
He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him, swooping through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, licking their lips.
"Do you see that tree over there?"
"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy."
Well...I didn't!"
Lisa H. October 3, 1998
Knock, Knock
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. Ten years later, he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"
