Elbow Pain
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker & cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making noises and various lights started flashing . After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant-twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!!!!
Lisa H. February 16, 1999
Microsoft Engineer
Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."
The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work."
Lisa H. February 16, 1999
Remember When
- A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note
- A window was something you hated to clean…
- And ram was the cousin of a goat….
- Meg was the name of my girlfriend
- Gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes
Remember when ...
- An application was for employment
- A program was a TV show
- A cursor used profanity
- A keyboard was a piano
- Memory was something that you lost with age
- A cd was a bank account
- and if you had a 3 1/2″ floppy you hoped nobody found out
- Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file
- If you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while
- Log on was adding wood to the fire
- hard drive was a long trip on the road
- a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
- and a backup happened to your commode
- Cut you did with a pocket knife
- paste you did with glue
- a web was a spider's home
- and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed
in a computer crash
but when it happens
they wish they were dead.
Lisa H. April 8, 1999
Mental Health Institute Answering Service
A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental health institute.
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press – no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
Lisa H. January 15, 1999
How to Tell if You're an E-mail Junkie
- You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
- You name your children Eudora, AOL and Dotcom.
- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
- You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.
- You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
- You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
- You start using smileys in your snail mail.
- You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
- You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
- You can't call your mother…she doesn't have a modem.
- You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
- You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
- You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
- You tell the cab driver you live at "http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html"
- You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
- After reading this message, you immediately E-mail it to a friend.
Lisa H. January 15, 1999
Computer Emotions
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emotions", where 🙂 means a smile and 🙁 is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by 🙂 and 🙁 respectively.
Well, how about some "asscons"?
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
Lisa H. November 10, 1998
Important Y2K Notice to Employees
Important Notice to Employees The University has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by January, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
- No Y2K problems
- No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
- No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
Thank you.
The Truck Driver and the Nerds
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license.
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em.
John Garcia, October 3, 1998
Evolution
The Wrong Address
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net. Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted. It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
Lisa H. October 7, 1998
Frequently Asked Questions of Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: DON'T shake it! WOW.....
Lisa H. November 20, 1998
Ten Commandments of AOL
I am Steve Case, your Lord, Thy AOL God, which have brought thee Out of the Land of the Internet Relay Chat, Out of the Bondage of CompuServe...
Thou shalt sign unto no Alternate Servers before me, for I have the Technology to screw up all thy Credit Card Accounts and shalt do so.
Thou shalt not take the name of Steve Case, your Lord, Thy AOL God, in vain in any chat room I shalt boot thine ass offline instantly, and repeatedly for all the day & night.
Thou shalt pick a price plan, I shalt not honor it, I shalt continue to bill Thy account at $21.95 per month just to really piss Thou off.
Remember Thy password, for Thou shalt sit on hold for all eternity, should Thou need to phone AOL. Honor Thy TOS, and Thy Guide Pager, that Thy days online be long. (Yes, the boot thine ass thing again)
Thou shalt not sign on without multiple attempts (I am thinking an hour or so, should worketh for thee). Thou shalt not answer Thy IM's at thine will - My will be done, applyeth here.
Thou shalt not have access to thine Buddy List - the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.
Thou shalt not go surfing, Thou shalt Crawleth ever so slowly, until I boot thine ass offline.
Thou shalt not bear witness against Steve, Thy God, with nasty little petitions. I oweth thee Nada, I promised thee Nada.
Thou shalt not covet Thy neighbors ISP: Thou shalt not covet the speed at which Thy neighbor signs on, picks up E-mail, surfs the net, cruises chat rooms, answers IM's, nor anything Thy neighbor can do on his ISP
Hey - what the heck did you people expect for $21.95 a month?
Lisa H. January 4, 1998
Spell Checker
Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this pome threw I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.
Wayne Roe, January 15, 1999
How to Keep an Idiot Busy
Aleceia C. October 12, 1998
Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses tryng to catch that JPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Dogmore Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating OUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5 SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP nd AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgoup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms
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