In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS
(D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING
(E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING
(D.I.P. S.H.I.T.)If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
1. Oh, I just read that Xerox and Wurlitzer were going to merge. They're going to make reproductive organs.
2. A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.
3. There is a merger in the works involving Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
4. There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
5. Others in the works: 3M & Goodyear = mmmGood
6. John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi
7. Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home
8. Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine
9. 3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera
10. Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants = Poupon Pants
11. Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women = Knott NOW!
12. Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi
1. In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell. At work, you spend most of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.
2. In prison, you get three meals a day. At work, you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that.
3. In prison, you get time off for good behavior. At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
4. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
5. In prison, you can watch TV and play games. At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
6. In prison, you get your own toilet. At work, you have to share.
7. In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit. At work, you can't even speak to your family and friends.
8. In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes to pay for the prisoners.
9. In prison, you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside, wanting to get out. At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out - and inside bars.
10. In prison, there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work, we have managers.
Source Unknown
For a couple of years, I've been blaming it on iron deficient blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason--I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Well, don't know about you, but I'm going to take a nap! I'm tired!!!
1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees, bowling.
2. Sport of choice for front line workers, football.
3. Sport of choice for supervisors, baseball.
4. Sport of choice for mid management, tennis.
5. Sport of choice for corp. officers, golf.
CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure the smaller your balls.
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated! The management does however realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow workers. Therefore, management has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize the coded phrase so the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.
New Phrase: I'm not certain that's feasible.
Old Phrase: No f------ way.
New Phrase: Really?
Old Phrase: You've got to be s_itting me.
New Phrase: Perhaps you should check with... [Insert name here]
Old Phrase: Tell someone who gives a rat's @$$.
New Phrase: Of course I'm concerned.
Old Phrase: Ask me if I give a s_it.
New Phrase: I was not involved with that project.
Old Phrase: It's not my f------ problem.
New Phrase: Interesting behavior...
Old Phrase: What the hell?
New Phrase: Perhaps I can work late.
Old Phrase: When the f--- do they expect me to do this.
New Phrase: He's not familiar with this problem.
Old Phrase: He's got his head up his @$$.
New Phrase: You don't say.
Old Phrase: Eat s_it.
New Phrase: Excuse me, sir?
Old Phrase: Eat s_it and die, m_ _ _ _ _ f_ _ _ _ _.
New Phrase: They weren't happy with it?
Old Phrase: What the f_ _ _ do they want from me?
New Phrase: So would you like some help?
Old Phrase: Kiss my @$$.
New Phrase: I love a challenge.
Old Phrase: This job sucks.
New Phrase: You want me to take care of this?
Old Phrase: Who died and left you boss?
New Phrase: I see...
Old Phrase: Blow me.
Please make all changes retroactive... thank you!
I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
1st Person "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready.'"
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new System Administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A: An insurance company.
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
Hard Sell: An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance. "Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "What would you get?" The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."
Insurance Money: A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter..... Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"..... She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!".....She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?".....She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!".....Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised >you?.....Here it comes..."
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday
Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
Accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
(Mark Twain)
Economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
Actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
(Laurence J. Peter)
Programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
(Charles R. Darwin)
Topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
(Franz Kafka)
1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
