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Sally's Sillies

Jokes about Dogs

Joke Index

What is a Dog?

  • Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 
  •  They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 
  • They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 
  • They growl when they are not happy. 
  • When you want to play, they want to play. 
  • When you want to be alone, they want to play. 
  • They are great at begging. 
  • They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. 
  • They leave their toys everywhere.
  • They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. 

Conclusion: They're men in fur coats.

Lisa H. June 6, 1999 

Why Own a Dog?

There's a danger you know,
You can't own just one,
for the craving will grow. 

There's no doubt they're addictive,
wherein lies the danger.
While living with lots,
you'll grow poorer and stranger. 

One dog is no trouble,
and two are so funny.
The third one is easy,
the fourth one's a honey. 

The fifth one delightful,
the sixth one's a breeze,
You find you can live
with a houseful with ease. 

So how 'bout another?
Would you really dare?
They're really quite easy
but oh, Lord the hair! 

With dogs on the sofa
and dogs on the bed,
And crates in the kitchen,
it's no bother you've said. 

They're really no trouble,
their manners are great.
What's just one more dog
and just one more crate? 

The sofa is hairy,
the windows are crusty,
The floor is all footprints,
the furniture dusty. 

The housekeeping suffers,
but what do you care?
Who minds a few noseprints
and a little more hair? 

So let's keep a puppy,
you can always find room,
And a little more time
for the dust cloth and broom. 

There's hardly a limit
to the dogs you can add,
The thought of a cutback
sure makes you sad. 

Each one is so special,
so useful, so funny.
The Vet and food bills grow larger,
you owe money. 

Your folks never visit,
few friends come to stay,
Except other dog folks,
who all live the same way. 

Your lawn has now died,
and your shrubs are dead too,
But your weekends are busy,
you're off with your crew. 

There's dog food and vitamins,
training and shots.
And entries and travel
and motels which cost lots. 

Is it worth it, you wonder?
Are you caught in a trap?
Then that favorite dog comes
and climbs in your lap. 

His look says you're special
and you know that
you will Keep all of the critters
in spite of the bill. 

Some just for showing
and some just to breed.
And some just for loving,
they all fill a need. 

But winter's a hassle,
the dogs hate it too.
But they must have their walks
though they're numb
and you're blue. 

Late evening is awful,
you scream and you shout
At the dogs on the sofa
who refuse to go out. 

The dogs and the dog shows,
the travel, the thrills,
The work and the worry,
the pressure, the bills. 

The whole thing seems worth it,
the dogs are your life.
They're charming and funny
and offset the strife. 

Your life-style has changed.
Things won't be the same.
Yes, those dogs are addictive
and so is the dog game!!

Show More...
Lisa H. April 21, 1999 

How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

  • Afghan: Light bulb? What's a light bulb?

  •   Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a burned out light bulb? 

  •  Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code and install new fixtures. And the plumbing, how 'bout I work on that too! Then I'll bring in the sheep, and chase the ball for 2 hours and move the sheep and chase the cat and stare at you and then move the sheep again.

  •  Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp! 

  •  Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. 

  •  Rottweiler: Make me! Shi-tzu: Puh-leeez, dahling, I have servants for that kind of thing. 

  •  Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeaze let me change the light bulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

  •  Malamute: Let the border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. 

  • Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. 

  • Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. 

  • Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. 

  •  Beagle: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb? Oh geez. Can I have another one? 

  •  Westie: Four. One to stand lookout, one to chase the bunnies, one to watch and one to supervise the person on the ladder. 

  •  Chesapeake Bay Retriever: One! – who noticed it was out and changed it before anyone asked!

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Lisa H. April 13, 1999 

I Cannot Train My Dog Today

I cannot train my dog today,
the sky is overcast and grey,
the air's too damp.
I've got a cramp,
and the dog's just eaten anyway. 

Can't find the leash,
got home too late,
I'm due somewhere tonight at eight.
I've got a rash, a gash, and bumps.
Too tired now to get the jumps.

Traffic's made me tense and strained.
I have to lose this weight I've gained.
How can we work when it's just rained?

The dog's too hyper.
My mood is blue,
I must be coming down with the flu,
I cough, I sneeze, and wheeze and choke.
Darn! My only dumbbell broke!

Too cold outside – my feet are numb.
There's a sliver in my thumb.
The house needs cleaning –
it's a sight.
I'm working overtime tonight.

My toe is sore – it might be gout.
I think my hair is falling out.

I ate too much.
My day's been rough.
I think my dog has had enough
of this daily training grind,
we need some time off to unwind.

Show More...
Lisa H. April 8, 1999 

The Nature of Competition

I experienced a very unusual thing indeed. It might restore someone's faith in humanity! I know it did mine. As with all forms of competition, there comes a certain amount of ambition, goal grabbing, disappointment, anger and even revenge in extreme cases. Some of it, is just the nature of competition, the majority of it is just malice. Dog showing is no exemption. Unfortunately, all too often I have stood at ringside and heard malicious comments, bitching and bickering. Dog show people can be very cruel to each other sometimes. I have on occasion been the brunt of these comments, but that's another story. Well, yesterday I had a breath of fresh air, as it were. I was stewarding at the Rough Collie Club of Ireland's Championship show. It's a relatively popular breed here in Ireland. Always a big entry. They had a wonderful judge from the U.K. This lady has been in the breed since 1949. So, it goes without saying, I was pretty privileged to steward for her. 

 Just before the Novice class, one of the club official's came into the ring and, I overheard her tell the judge about the one entry in the class. I thought it was unusual that there was only one entry in the class, but later found out the reason why! I called the class, and, in walked an old man and his Rough Collie. I've only ever seen this man at our St. Patrick's day show. He's an old man, rough around the edges and, well, his dog, is really unkempt by show standards. He marched proudly into the ring with the dog on a great big thick rope lead! While the judge was going over the dog, I was filled in on his story. 

I was told that he lives in an old folks home in Galway. (The other side of Ireland.) He has no family left living and no visitors at the old folks home. He's been showing this dog for eight years only ever on St. Patrick's day or the Club show. He'd traveled 150 miles on a bus yesterday morning. Which takes about 5 hours in Ireland. The nurses in his home, usually phone the club to tell of his departure, and the club usually phone back when they spot this old man at the show. He has only ever shown the dog in Novice, and people over the years never compete against him. The nurses told the club officials that when he wins a rosette at a show he wears it for weeks at home in the old folks home. The dog lives with him at the home and, is quite a celebrity "Show dog" with all the residents. The pride and joy of this man's life. He spends half the year, telling people about the last dog show and the other half of the year, looking forward to the next one! Anyway, the judge was so considerate to this man. And, boy was he proud to show his dog off.! When the judge asked could she look at the dog's teeth, "Oh yes," the man replied and instructed the dog to "Smile". With that the dog showed off a perfect set of choppers! The judge replied "Aren't you a clever dog?" With that the man said "Oh, he is very clever, he'll shake your hand too if you like!" I couldn't help smiling when I heard this, and full credit to the judge, she shook hands with the dog.! The dog won first in the class and every exhibitor at the show, gave this old man and his dog a standing ovation. He was cheered and clapped as he did his own lap around the ring. People came over to the ringside to congratulate and pat the man on the back as he left the ring. 

 Talk about Elvis leaving the building, this man was certainly the king when he won his class. He was just so proud of his accomplishment. He lapped up every minute of it. It was the first time I'm sad to say that I've seen people being genuinely nice at a dog show. They really made this old man's day. Possibly his year! Heaven help the residents at the old folks home when he returned home last night. Not only did he win a rosette but also won a great big trophy. I'm sure it will take pride of place on the mantle piece! 

 Isn't this what dog showing SHOULD be about.? Giving people like this old man a day out to enjoy the only family he has. His best pal, his dog. A memory for an old man to hold on to, to brighten his day, something to share with his friends at the old folk's home? Something to be proud of , however small the achievement? Anyway, that's the story, just a thought, an observation and possibly an inspiration to us all? I know it's one of the happiest memories I have of a dog show. "

Show More...
Lisa H. April 21, 1999 

How Dogs and Men are the Same

  • Both take up too much space on the bed.
  • Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
  • Both are threatened by their own kind.
  • Both mark their territory.
  • Both are bad at asking you questions.
  • Neither tells you what's bothering them.
  • The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
  • Neither does any dishes.
  • Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
  • Both like dominance games.
  • Both are suspicious of the postman.
  • Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
  • Neither understands what you see in cats.
  • Both keep moving...even when they are lost.
  • Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
  • Both like cars The larger ones tend to drool.
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Lisa H. October 10, 1998 

How Dogs are Better Than Men

  • Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
  • Dogs miss you when you're gone.
  • Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
  • Dogs don't criticize your friends.
  • Dogs admit when they're jealous.
  • Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
  • Dogs do not play games with you--except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw the ball).
  • Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
  • You can train a dog.
  • Dogs are easy to buy for.
  • You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
  • The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. OK, the (really) worst disease you can get from them is rabies,
    but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.
  • Dogs understand what no means.
  • Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
  • Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
  • Dogs admit it when they're lost.
  • Dogs are color blind.
  • Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
  • Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
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Lisa H. October 10, 1998 

Where Dogs Fall Short

  • Men only have two feet that track in mud.
  • Men can buy you presents.
  • Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
  • Men are a little bit more subtle.
  • Dogs have dog breath all the time.
  • Men can do math stuff.
  • Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
  • Most men won't hump your leg at a party.
  • It's fun to dry off a wet man.
Lisa H. October 3, 1998 

Famous Dog Quotes

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
  -  Robert A. Heinlein

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
  -  Robert Benchley

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
  -  Unknown

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
  -  Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
  -  Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
  -  Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
  -  Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
  -  Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
  -  Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
  -  Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
  -  Josh Billings

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
  -  Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
  -  Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
  -  Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
  -  James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
  -  Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
  -  Ann Landers

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.""
  -  Smiley Blanton

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
  -  Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
  -  Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
  -  Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead."
  -  Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
  -  Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
  -  Groucho Marx

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
  -  Aldous Huxley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
  -  Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
  -  August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
  -  Fran Lebowitz

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
  -  Holbrook Jackson

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
  -  Mark Twain

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
  -  John Steinbeck

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us urinating in his water bowl."
  -  Penny Ward Moser

"Next Life, I want to be a dog in my family!"
  -  Silly Sallyl

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Why Dogs are Better Than Woman

  • Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
  • Dogs understand that you are their master.
  • Dogs love it when your friends come over.
  • Dogs think you sing great.
  • Dogs understand that farts are funny.
  • Dogs are excited by rough play.
  • Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
  • Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
  • Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
  • Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
  • Dogs have ten breasts.
  • Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
  • Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
  • Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
  • Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
  • Dogs don't shop.
  • Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
  • Dogs don't cry.
  • Dogs get excited when you take out the leash and choker chains.
  • Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  • Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
  • Dogs seldom outlive you.
  • A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
  • A dog's parents never visit.
  • A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
  • Dogs like it when you leave the toilet seat up.
  • When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
  • It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
  • You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
  • The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
  • If your dog runs away from home it doesn't take all your stuff and half your income.
  • Dog's don't care what kind of car you drive or how much money you make.
  • Dogs like beer.
  • Dogs don't hate their bodies.
  • Dogs don't criticize.
  • Dogs never expect gifts
  • Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.
  • Anyone can get a good looking dog.
  • If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Lisa H. October 3, 1998 
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Why Women are Better than Dogs

  • It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
  • Women look good in sweaters.
  • Women leave the room to fart.
  • Women know how to make popcorn.
Lisa H. October 10, 1998 

How Woman and Dogs are the Same

  • Both like stupid in hats.
  • Both look good in a fur coat.
  • Both put too much value on kissing.
  • Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
  • Both tend to have hip problems.
  • Both constantly want back rubs.
  • Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
  • Neither understands football.
  • Neither believes that silence is golden.
  • Neither can balance a checkbook.
  • You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
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Lisa H. October 10, 1998 

You Know You Have Gone to the Dogs When ...

  • You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
  • Lint wheels are on your shopping list every week.
  • You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.
  • The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.
  • You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.
  • Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.
  • You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.
  • Your dog sleeps with you.
  • You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands.
  • Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course).
  • You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.
  • You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
  • You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
  • You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.
  • You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
  • You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.
  • You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.
  • You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops falls out.
  • You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.
  • You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard chirping "Meg, pee!" over and over again, while Meg tends to play and forget what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story).
  • You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day.
  • Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.
  • Your dog is getting old and arthritic or is a Dachshund, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.
  • Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.
  • You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.
  • You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's).
  • You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.
  • You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.
  • You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.
  • You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs her walk.
  • You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog.
  • Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog.
  • Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.
  • Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both days).
  • You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor...).
  • Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.
  • You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too).
  • You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all her favorite spots.
  • You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
  • You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.
  • You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.
  • You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.
  • The pockets of every coat and jacket you own contain baggies.
  • And the number one reason you know you're a dog person:
    Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site!
Lisa H. October 10, 1998 
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The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that JPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Dogmore Screen Saver.

11. Still trying to come up with an "emotion" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating OUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5 SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgoup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH.(TOO DAMN HARD TO TYPE WITH PAWS)
Lisa H. October 10, 1998 
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Farmer Muldoon's Dog

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you say a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road. No telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Lisa H. October 3, 1998 

The Old Man and His Dog

An old man and his dog were walking down this dirt road with fences on both sides. They came to a gate in the fence and looked in. It was nice: grassy, woody areas, just what a 'huntin' dog and man would like but, it had a sign saying 'no trespassing' so they walked on. They came to a beautiful gate with a person in white robes standing there. "Welcome to Heaven" he said. The old man was happy and started in with his dog following him. The gatekeeper stopped him. "Dogs aren't allowed. I'm sorry, but he can't come with you." "What kind of Heaven won't allow dogs? If he can't come in, then I will stay out with him. He's been my faithful companion all his life, I can't desert him now." "Suit yourself, but I have to warn you, the Devil's on this road and he'll try to sweet talk you into his area, he'll promise you anything, but the dog can't go there either. If you won't leave the dog, you'll spend Eternity on this road."

So the old man and dog went on. They came to a rundown fence with a gap in it, no gate, just a hole. Another old man was inside. "S'cuse me Sir, my dog and I are getting mighty tired. Mind if we come in and sit in the shade for awhile?" "Of course, there's some cold water under that tree over there. Make yourselves comfortable" "You're sure my dog can come in? The man down the road said dogs weren't allowed anywhere." "Would you come in if you had to leave the dog?" " No sir, that's why I didn't go to Heaven. He said the dog couldn't come in. We'll be spending Eternity on this road, and a glass of cold water and some shade would be mighty fine right about now. But, I won't come in if my buddy here can't come too, and that's final".

The man smiled a big smile and said "Welcome to Heaven." "You mean this is Heaven? Dogs ARE allowed? How come that fellow down the road said they weren't?" "That was the Devil and he gets all the people who are willing to give up a life long companion for a comfortable place to stay. They soon find out their mistake, but, then it's too late. The dogs come here, the fickle people stay there. GOD wouldn't allow dogs to be banned from Heaven. After all, HE created them to be man's companions in life, why would he separate them in death?"

Lisa H. October 10, 1998 
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God Created Dogs and Cats

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, " Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name and you will call him DOG. "

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility. "

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.

Lisa H. October 10, 1998 

Dog Show Made in Heaven

It was a slow day in heaven so God phoned Satan to see what was going on down there. It's slow here, too", said Satan "Well", God said, "I think a dog show might be fun. Let's put on a dog show!" Sounds good," says Satan, "But why are you calling me? You've got all the dogs up there."

"I know," answered God, "But you've got all the judges."

Lisa H. October 10, 1998 

The Creation of Dog

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

Lisa H. December 29, 1998 

Doggy Dictionary

LEASH A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDERThis is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down The front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN Every good ACD's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best Way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

Lisa H. October 10, 1998 
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A Dog's Daily Routine

The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime and everything else.

Mealtime

  • Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat.
  • The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.
  • It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles.
  • Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.
  • When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.
  • Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another.
  • The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.
  • When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.
  • If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly.
  • As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing longgelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.

Everything Else

  • There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
  • Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.
  • The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture.

Personal Safety

  • At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.
  • The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.
  • Recreation and Leisure Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.
    • The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.
    • The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.
  • Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.
  • Health: In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.
Lisa H. October 10, 1998 
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Attacked by a Rabid Rottweiler

Two Kansas boys are playing football when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, twists, breaking the dog's neck. A Topeka Star reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.

" Young Kansas Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Kansas fan," the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we are in Kansas I just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again.

"Kansas State Fan Rescues friend From Horrific Attack," he jots down in his notebook. "I'm not a Kansas State fan either," the boy responds. "I assumed everyone in the state of Kansas was either for the Jayhawks or for the Wildcats. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks. "I'm a Nebraska Cornhusker fan," the boy says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet".

Bob G. December 11, 1998 

Three Dogs at the Vet

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The second dog turned to him and asked, "What are you in here for, buddy?" "I'm in big trouble," he said. "My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the seats. Now he's having me put to sleep."

"I know how you feel," said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself; I crapped all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep, too."

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you in here for?" they asked. "Well," said the third dog. "My owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life!" The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to sleep too, huh?" "No," said the third dog. "I'm having my nails clipped."

Lisa H. November 10, 1998 

2 Doz. Boxes of Condoms

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order. One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?" The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!" So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?" The gentleman answered,
"I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

Lisa H. November 10, 1998 

Progressive Dangerous Virus

This virus is no joke. It is progressive and dangerous. It will begin with one cute puppy ... usually for companionship. You will not realize that you have been infected even when you begin trying to convince your family that foraging for food is more rewarding than buying groceries.

You may not recognize the symptoms even when 90% of your snail mail consists of pet catalogs & show entries., and "sick days" have all been used to visit every dog show within 600 miles.

By the time the virus has taken firm hold, you will have reduced your yard to a safe area that can be enjoyed by your dogs. You will be trying to sell the kids swing set to pay for the latest dog toy. Your computer will threaten to crash because of the huge amounts of dog web sites, nutrition sites, programs, breed lists, rescue lists, advice lists, dog images, and canine health html bookmarks that have filled all available space. You will "borrow" from your child's college fund to add more memory.

This virus will take over every room of your house in the form of flyers, catalogs, premium lists, dog toys, dog beds, crates, dog food, and dog treats. You will begin to avoid anyone who doesn't have a dog and try to convert anyone who doesn't know your breed. Your family will not recognize you unless you're covered with dog hair. You will seriously consider a second mortgage to take advantage of dog toy sales or, even worse, dog show entries. Depression will set in immediately after the last dog show of the season. Your own dog will worry about you.

There is no cure. Thankfully, there are groups where you can talk to others that have been infected and who will understand you. With luck they'll also know of a really good sale on dog food & supplements........

Lisa H. November 10, 1998 
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The Crowded Bus

A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket was above the man's head. Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance.

Soon the picnic basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips. He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?" She replied, "No, no, puppies".

Lisa H. December 29, 1998 

Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said,
"Meow."

Bob G. December 8, 1998 
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A Dog Called "Sex"

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot." I called mine "Sex." Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the city hall to renew the dog's license for Sex, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" Then I said "She is a dog!" He said that he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said "but Sex has played a big part in my life and my life revolves around Sex." He said that he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him that everybody would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day, we were married at the justice of the peace. My family is barred from the church now.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night. He said "Me too!"

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, Sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand!!" I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your Honor. I had Sex before I was married, but now she wants to take Sex away from me. The judge said "Me too!"

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. While I was looking, a cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

Well, now I have been thrown in jail, divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with my psychiatrist, she asked me "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied "Sex has been my best friend all of my life, but now it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer. I am so lonely." The doctor said "Look mister. You should understand that Sex isn't a man's best friend. Go get yourself a dog."

Lisa H. October 3, 1998 
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Blow in a Dog's Ear

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Lisa H. February 8, 1999 

Questions

Question:  What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

Answer:  A happy Pit Bull

Unknown, 1998 

Dog Show Terms

SPECIALTY -Whatever your dog is good at, like bringing home dead cats or chewing the walls.

BALANCE - Ability to hold coffee, danish, leash, treats and entry form all at once.

CRABBING - What you do when the judge doesn't like the way your dog moves.

FORCE FETCH - Dog drops the toy under furniture, scratches at the carpet till you're forced to "fetch" it.

BLIND RETRIEVE - When you can't see the toy under the furniture.

DOUBLE BLIND - Finding two toys under the furniture.

PEDIGREE - Dog food with lots of great coupons.

MULTI-GENERATIONAL PEDIGREE - Something you should have read first.

CGC - Canine Gastrointestinal Catastrophe (AKA gas)

DISTEMPER - Shown by those hot headed competitors.

TYPE - What your dog has.....if you turn down the lights and squint a little.

UTILITY - The kind of vehicle you need to haul around your dogs

FLY BALL - Neutering.

QUALIFYING SCORE - Justifying the 170.5 you got in obedience today.

HEEL - What you feel like when your dog won't obey your commands during the exercise.

RIBBONS - What you want to cut the other exhibitors into, after their "pet" wins.

BITCH - To complain heartily.

DOG - To chase a judge from show to show in an effort to attain more breed wins.

GUARD HAIR - An activity in which one watches intently as the dog's hair falls out, in clumps, just after entries are mailed.

OVERSHOT - Running so fast as to pass the 1st place ring marker and plow into the judge and the stewards. "It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame"

Lisa H. October 3, 1998 
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Dog Property Laws

  • If I like it, it's mine.
  • If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
  • If I can take it from you, it's mine.
  • If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
  • If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
  • If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
  • If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
  • If I saw it first, it's mine.
  • If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
  • If it's broken it's yours!
Lisa H. February 17, 1999 

Dead Dog

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

Lisa H. January 21, 1999 

Winners Bitch Seeks Best of Opposit Sex

  • You know you've waited too long to find a mate when.....you think stripping is something you do to a terrier
  • You meet a guy named Bob and instantly visualize purple and gold rosettes
  • You think nothing about loudly discussing studs and bitches in a fancy restaurant
  • The first thing you notice about a guy is what breed of dog he has
  • Your biggest turn-off is a guy with an obnoxious untrained dog
  • You have ever ruled out a guy as a prospective date based on the breed of dog he owns
  • You dismiss all the guys your mother introduces you to as "not breeding quality"
  • You never could stick to a diet to impress a guy, but you can do it to get through that TDX track
  • Your only nice jewelry features either dogs, dumbells, or rosettes
  • You have a video on how to artificially inseminate your dog but last watched a dirty movie in junior high school
  • When you talk about "scoring" you mean how you did at last weekend's obedience trial
  • Your dog has more letters after his name than the last ten guys you've dated, and actually completed obedience school
  • You start using operant conditioning techniques to get what you want from your boyfriend, and you won't let him read your copy of "Don't Shoot The Dog"
  • You think that maybe your current guy has potential if you use the proper combination of positive reinforcement and the occasional well-timed ear pinch
  • You "people watch" at the mall by making mental lists of the conformational faults each bypasser has to contribute to the gene pool
  • You think if you ever did marry and have children that you wouldn't have to buy a playpen because you already have an extra x-pen. And why buy a crib?? Crates are cheaper and they're enclosed on all sides.
  • You give all of your married friends child-rearing advice based on your extensive background in dog training
  • Your mother's worst fear is that you'll have a child and make it wear a pinch collar
  • Your mother's second worst fear is you'll get married and your dog will be in the wedding party
  • You actually have friends whose dogs HAVE been part of the wedding party
  • When your cousin tells you how much her wedding costs you think how many show-quality puppies that could buy you
  • All of your friends always include your dog in any invitation they issue to you. Of course, you reciprocate because you only have doggy friends left....the others have stopped inviting you places because you insist on bringing the dog!
  • When you read the personal ads you skip past the vital statistics and rule out any that don't say "animal lover"you know your dog's cholesterol but not your own
  • When you lament to your friends about chronic yeast infections, they don't know you're talking about your dog's ears
  • You last had a professional portrait done for your high school graduation, but you just spent 50% of your dog's purchase price having his done by the best canine photographer in the country
  • You and your dog use the same kind of hairbrush, and you never can keep straight whose is whose
  • You spend 8 hours grooming your dog for a show the day before, and 1.25 minutes pony tailing your hair the morning of.
  • You think that people with bad bites shouldn't be allowed to breed
  • Your mother is ecstatic to see you browsing the aisle with the hair coloring, after hounding you for three year to try highlighting....only to be disappointed when she finds you are looking for peroxide to "touch up" your Clumbers drool marks
  • When someone mentions single bars, you wonder if they are talking about utility or agility jumps
  • When you go "clubbing", you have your choice of the all-breed club, the specialty club, the obedience club, or the tracking club
  • You once made earrings out of old rabies tags, and all your friends wanted a pair
  • Your non-doggy friends can't understand why you're so excited about your new TD
Sue Cone, January 6, 1999 
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Letters to Santa from a conformation exhibitor

Dear Santa, Heres a Christmas wish
To make my Christmas glow
All I'd like for Christmas
Is simply Best In Show

If that's too much, dear Santa,
Then my heart would loop-de-loop,
If you'd see fit
to give me a placing in the Group.

In fact, I'd be quite satisfied,
And not show too much greed
If you'd be kind and generous,
And give me Best of Breed

Dear Santa, I'd be merry
And really feel quite rich.
If you'd arrange a gift for me
Winner's Dog or Bitch!

But I'd be joyful, Santa,
and I'd dance the Highland Fling
If Pup would just be happy
and BEHAVE right in the ring!!!!

Lisa H. December 29, 1998 
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Letter to Santa from an Obedience Exhibitor

Dear Santa will you bring me
A gift to make me smile?
Santa will you bring me
Just one high in Trial?

Dear Santa, will you bring me
Just one 200 score?
Just once in my lifetime
and I'd never ask for more.

Of course I know, Dear Santa,
Its a lesson that I've learned
A win does not come gift wrapped,
First they must be earned.

What I'd really like, dear Santa
Is a happy "man's best friend"
When an exercise is finished,
He wags his whole rear end

He struts along so proudly,
His head is held up high
You can tell he loves it
By the twinkle in his eye

The gift I'd like, dear Santa,
Is the most important one
My dog and I just want to have
The gift of having fun!!

Lisa H. December 29, 1998 
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Rules for Visiting the Veterianarian's Office

  • Do not make an appointment. Just walk in, because they are going to be there anyway. Demand to be seen immediately! Become irate if you have to wait for anyone who was there ahead of you.
  • Bring your children, bring your neighbor's children. If you have no children, borrow some from a friend. Toddlers who have been walking for less than a year are best. If they are talking let them run around all over the hospital to ask everyone on the staff questions.
  • Place your pet on the exam table, then sit down. Please do not hold it, Emphasize that "It won't jump down!" and "It NEVER bites!"
  • If you are reading a magazine, please do not risk losing your seat by setting it down. Please keep reading.
  • Do not look up when you are asked a question. Do not remove you sunglasses, especially if you have a hearing problem.
  • If you have a concern, YELL at the receptionist, then when you see the doctor, be as sweet as possible.
  • As you leave let you un-neutered dog urinate on every stationary object until you get outside. Do not tell anyone.
  • Please tell if there is a problem, but wait at least three weeks to do so. Remember, continuos diarrhea for four weeks or more is considered "An Emergency Situation!". This is especially true at closing time on the weekends.
  • If your pet is in really bad shape, tell the doctor that you have been on vacation. If you haven't brought you pet in to the hospital in two years, always tell the doctor the problem started RIGHT after the last visit and it hasn't gone away.
  • Have your record under as many last names as possible. For your pet, have a registered name, a baptized name, and a nick name for each family member. Use a different one each time you come in for a visit.
  • When leaving your pet for boarding or any other procedures, never tell anyone in the office that you have changed your phone number since your last visit.
  • Never say anything important until the doctor put his/her stethoscope to their ears.
  • Always say, "Cost is not important! Just save my pet!", until you get the bill, then deny that you said it was OK to treat. Make a big fuss over every item even thought you are not going to pay anyway.
  • Always bring your checkbook without any checks in it or leave home with out your wallet. Only carry hundred dollar bills when you do bring it, especially if you are only buying one can of food.
  • if possible, always send your pet to the clinic with your children under 18 years of age with no money or credit cards. Never tell them why they are bringing the pet in.
Lisa H. February 16, 1999 

The Meaning of Rescue ...

Now that I'm home, bathed, settled and fed,
All nicely tucked in my warm new bed.
I'd like to open my baggage
Lest I forget,
There is so much to carry -
So much to regret.

Hmm . . . Yes there it is, right on the top
Let's unpack Loneliness, Heartache and Loss,
And there by my leash hides Fear and Shame.
As I look on these things I tried so hard to leave -
I still have to unpack my baggage called Pain.

I loved them, the others, the ones who left me,
But I wasn't good enough - for they didn't want me.
Will you add to my baggage?
Will you help me unpack?
Or will you just look at my things -
And take me right back?

Do you have the time to help me unpack?
To put away my baggage,
To never repack?
I pray that you do - I'm so tired you see,
But I do come with baggage -
Will you still want me?

Lisa H. February 12, 1999 
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Smart Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Lisa H. February 16, 1999 
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Life Lessons Learned from a Dog

  • If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
  • Don't go out without ID.
  • Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
  • Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
  • Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
  • Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
  • When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
  • If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
Lisa H. February 17, 1999 

Fundamentally Unity Pet

A Unity couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Unity pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new dog and his major skills that they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paws on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head in prayer.

Lisa H. February 19, 1999 

A Dog's Life is too Short ... Their Only Fault Really

My dear Whistler will be 13 June 8th. The years go so fast.. There was a post recently about old dogs. So, as I sit here, Whistler cozy beside me,I thought I would write what my time is like with him.

Whistler has gotten hard of hearing this past year,so when I get up in the morning to say hello to him,I go around to his face,as not to startle him. I massage him, and coo to him, after all he is my favourite. I help his old bones off the trundle bed,and walk behind him to help him out the door. He goes out, still lifting his leg high.

Now we all go off to the beach. It's kinda hard now,lifting Whistler into the suburban,but he stills puts his front legs up, and I push and lift his rear, and away we go. When we get to the beach, the girls bolt out fast,but poor Whistler, I have to grab his collar, and I put the leash around his tummy to let him down easy. Whistler and I walk, and sometimes he trots, however he goes for his swim daily, and is just like a tugboat!! I try not to give him too much exercise, as his heart is racing, and he starts panting...

We get back into the truck, and start for home. Once in the courtyard,he spaces a bit,,and I have to round him up, and bring him inside,helping his rear over the stone steps. I get him all cozy in front of the fire,and bring him a cookie,and start to make everyone's breakfast. My Whistler gets fed,first,and so he won't have to go all the way in the kitchen, I bring his food and water to him. (he loves being babied,like all men)

After he eats, I give him an aspirin He falls asleep, quickly,snorting and snoring. With an old dog, they get confused easily,their hearing is not what it was, as are their eyes. He knows his hand signals, though.

I moved our bedroom downstairs,as he couldn't go up ,the steep narrow stairs of this old house. I wouldn't want him to sleep downstairs alone. When he awakens,he crys a little and we go out, sometimes though, on the way to the door, or on the way to tell me he wants to go out, he will just stand there, and out it comes like a FIREHOSE!! I never say anything, I don't want to embarrass this noble guy. Sometimes,he forgets just what he wanted to go out for,like all of us,huh?? His ears are stinky, and he has dragon breath. I clean him up morning and night,but he has that "old dog"smell. ( Yes, he has his checkups ... He is just old ...

He loves his stuffed toys,in fact for Valentines Day, I bought him this HUGE STUFFED DOG, brown,of course,that he loves to snugle up with. I do baby him a lot,and cherish what time I have with my big old mean guy. and boy is he cranky to people and the girls!! but... He has been like that since he was 6 weeks old!

I go to bed around 9ish and everyone goes out to do their last "business',but no matter, my wonderful widdle bug,will get up every few hours and want to go out, or is having a bad dream,and... Just starts spacing, and I have to stay with him,until he falls asleep. Head in my lap,looking up at me ... sighing ...

This is what it is like to have the love of your old dog. Such a treasure... I Love You Whistler...

Lisa H. February 19, 1999 
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Why Puppies Are Better to Have Than Boyfriends

  • Puppies won't ask you if it's the best puppy you've ever had.
  • A puppy always comes to you when you call it.
  • If you show affection for a puppy, it returns it with no strings attached.
  • All you need to do for a puppy to love you forever is feed it and not beat it with heavy blunt objects.
  • Puppies love you unconditionally.
  • It's OK if your PUPPY gets fleas from another puppy.
  • You can put a puppy on a leash and snap it back if it tries to sniff other puppies.
  • Your puppy will never leave you for your roommate, best friend, or someone with bigger breasts/more money/better looks/a better body/etc.
  • Puppies urinating in the front lawn is normal.
  • Puppies don't "bite the hand that feeds them".
  • Puppies are easier to train to do simple tasks.
  • A puppy never conspires with other puppies to play with your mind.
  • Puppies never leave en masse to check out puppies in the other room.
  • A puppy won't give you a lot of backtalk for no apparent reason.
  • You can train your puppy to do tricks--like play dead "all day".
  • If you have a neighbor you don't like, you won't be as embarassed if your PUPPY poops all over his lawn.
  • Puppies don't even pretend to know how to fix whatever they break.
  • Puppies won't get jealous of all of your male friends.
  • Neutering your boyfriend, as practical as it may seem, is harder to justify.
  • A PUPPY's face in the toilet bowl is less alarming.
  • Puppies don't leave the toilet seat up.
  • Puppies don't have to show other puppies that it's "the puppy of it's house".
  • Puppies attract men; boyfriends drive them away.
  • Puppies don't do dishes, but at least they attempt to lick their own plate clean.
  • Puppies won't ask "Why don't you look like THAT?" when watching TV.
  • Puppies actually look attractive with a full body of hair.
  • Puppies don't mind staying home with the kids.
  • Because puppies can't read maps, they have a GOOD excuse for getting lost.
  • Puppies don't have double-standards.
  • There's no such thing as an EX-puppy...
Lisa H. February 6, 1999 
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Dog-O-Meter

Two drunks argued over which dog was better looking - later evolved into who has the most leisure time to spend on their dogs. The so-called 'Dog-O-Meter' was invented to tell how much time a person has free:

The Current AKC 'Dog-O-Meter has a scale of 147 marks, several of the marks are:

  • Chinese Crested - 30 seconds (wipe - wax - show)
  • Black Labrador - 30 minutes (throw into lake - wipe dry - show)
  • Belgian Tervuren - 1 hour (Brush until fluffy - trim hocks - show)
  • Standard Poodle - 7 months (Comb - trim - comb - trim - etc. until ass is bald - show)
  • Chesapeake Bay Retriever - 1 minute (hose off with garden hose - let shake - show)

OBEDIENCE: Most of what later evolved into obedience was created by beer drinkers however there are several exceptions:

  • Sit/stay - teaches the dog to sit on the floor and beg instead of stealing food off the table
  • Down/stay - created to keep the dog lying on the bed to keep your feet warm during the night.
  • Retrieve - Created to teach your dog to go get you a can of beer.
  • Retrieve over jump - Retrieve a can of beer from your neighbour's yard.
  • Recall - Makes sure your dog returns with your can of beer.
  • Broad Jump - Retrieve a can of beer from your neighbour's yard that has a moat to protect his can of beer.
  • Heel - Teaches you how to walk and not trip over your dog.
  • Figure 8 - Teaches your dog how to walk by your side when you are drunk.
  • Scent Articles - Go get your can of beer only.

SCHUTZHUND: Ultimate Drinking Sport - get a guy drunk, put him in a rubber suit and tell him to pet the nice doggy.

FOXHOUNDS: Guys, Horses, Guns, Drinking and Dogs - for the rich.

COONHOUNDS: Same as Foxhounds but only for the hillbillies and without the horses (substitute pick-up truck here).

DUCK HUNTING Same as Foxhounds only you sit around and get drunk.

AGILITY: Two drunk sheep-herders (probably a Scotsman and a Belgian as the BC and Belgians are excellent agility dogs) arguing over whose dog can do the most tricks - as they got drunker, the obstacles got harder and more dangerous:

  • Tunnel - originally crawl on the belly - because dogs kept standing up, the tunnel was created (very easy)
  • Jump - jump over gate
  • Dog Walk - Walk on top of stone fence
  • Tire Jump - originally an obedience exercise of 'Jumping through a Window' - changed to a tire when the dogs got hurt because someone often forgot to open the window.
  • Weave Poles - run between fence posts
  • A-Frame - originally climb a wall 15 feet high (very hard) However,
  • no one knows where the Teeter Totter comes from. One day it just showed up and was used.

FLYBALL: Ultimate lazy sport - Created because some guy was too lazy to play catch with his dog for more then an hour (he could not go and get his beer) - so he invented a box to toss a ball automatically.

TRACKING: Invented so after a night of drinking - you can send your dog to find your wallet, car keys, glass, and your car.

Search and Rescue (SAR): Invented so you wife can find you after you have been drinking and still have not come home. HERDING: To figure out herding you have to remember sheep like to eat and when grazing on a hill they tend to travel uphill while eating. Only problem was the sheep got fatter as they travelled uphill and they tended to tip over when they got too fat. Shepherd, to avoid this problem, would have to chase their sheep to keep they from getting too heavy (and thus tipping over). Anyone that has been out drinking knows that one thing you do not want to do after a night of drinking is to be chasing sheep the next day. So sheep herding dogs were created to give the sheep exercise and to allow the sheep-herders time to get over their hangovers.

DOG SLEDDING: Invented to allow the Eskimos to ride to the nearest bar instead of walking (dogs were used because Polar Bear were just too hard to paper train).

BREEDING:
Men; Beer, Sex and Betting how long the dogs are going to remain tied.
Women; Wine, Sex and betting on what the puppies are going to look like.

Lisa H. March 23, 1999 
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Mixed Breed

Collie + Lhasa Apso Collapso: a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow: Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter: Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund: Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekinese + Lhasa Apso: Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel: Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever: Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound: Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog Terribull: a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador: Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer: Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute: Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier: Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu: Maybe we shouldn't go there!!

Lisa H. February 8, 1999 
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Child and Dog Story

They work well together. They work for the good of the pack. They protect their young and their elders. They do not kill indiscriminately. They do not lie, cheat or steal. They won't spend money redecorating the White House. They do not read Newspapers, watch TV or give interviews. Their clothes don't have zippers or pockets. They don't indulge in fantasies. They can be NEUTERED!

Lisa H. March 21, 1999 

Why Dogs Should be President

They work well together. They work for the good of the pack. They protect their young and their elders. They do not kill indiscriminately. They do not lie, cheat or steal. They won't spend money redecorating the White House. They do not read Newspapers, watch TV or give interviews. Their clothes don't have zippers or pockets. They don't indulge in fantasies.

They can be NEUTERED!

Lisa H. March 21, 1999 

Tennnis Balls

There are dog toys, that bring great joy.
We love them to death, boy oh boy!
But we only want one thing this Birthday
So you had better listen to what we say.

Tennis Balls
Tennis Balls
Perfection - round and inviting.

Oh we're hopeful and so thankful too.
Just imagine our glee if you come through.
When on every couch cushion we see,
come on and throw just one more for me.

Tennis Balls
Tennis Balls
Perfection - round and inviting

Rock n' Roll
and play all the day long.
Please master - toss some our way.
We will run, retrieve them, if you say.
You know it will help us to grow strong!

You can catch them.
You can chase them.
You can carry them too.
They're an all-purpose treat.
We love 'em to death and think they're neat!

Oh we're hopeful and so thankful too.
Just imagine our glee if you come through.
When on every couch cushion we see,
Come on and throw just one more for me.

Tennis Balls
Tennis Balls
Perfection - round and inviting

What a great find
wrought by mankind.
Just for doggie desire
much more better than biting a tire.

There are dog toys, that bring great joy.
We love them to death, boy oh boy!
But we only want one thing this Birthday.
So you had better listen to what we say

Roll and play
All the day
Please Master - toss some our way

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Walkn' in a Doggie Wonderland

Dogs tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY property!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."

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The Ventriloquist Cowboy

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)…… "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

Unknown, October 3, 1998 
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Meeting Her Parents

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.

"Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

Lisa H. February 12, 1999 
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