Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half"…You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!!
But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams are gone.
Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!! So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!
After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday ... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch.
My grandmother won't even buy green bananas - she says, "you never know".
And it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards ... I was JUST 92 ...
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid and then you're 101 and half.
Lisa H. October 3, 1998
Age and Womanhood
- Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, ....virgin and unexplored.
- Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, ....hot and exotic.
- Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, ....fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
- Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, ....exhausted but still has points of interest.
- After 56 she is like Australia, ....everybody knows it's down there, but who gives a damn?
Lisa H. October 3, 1998
Age and Manhood
- Between 16 and 26:
... Tri-weekly - Between 27 and 46:
... Try weekly - Over 47:
... Try weakly
Lisa H. October 3, 1998
The Senility Prayer
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference
Lisa H. October 10, 1998
We Still Got It
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" And they both stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!"
Lisa H. October 10, 1998
Remembering Things
An 80 year old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
Cheri S., October 10, 1998
Screw You Ma!
Ma and Pa are sitting on the front porch swing, rocking. Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma." A minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa." Again, a minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma." Another minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa." Yet another minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma." A minute later, Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
A couple of minutes go by, and Pa says to Ma, "I don't know about you Ma, but I just don't get too much out of this oral sex stuff!"
Lisa H. November 10, 1998
25 Things You Will Learn in 50 Years of Living
- The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe "Daylight Saving Time."
- People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
- The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
- A penny saved is worthless.
- They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East.
Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies. - The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
- People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms.
When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers. - Nobody is normal.
- At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: The universe is even bigger than they thought! There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: "meetings."
- The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
- The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world's biggest dip----. And so on.
On those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product-as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign-it's because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign. - If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
- You should not confuse your career with your life.
- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
- No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
- When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
- Your friends love you anyway.
- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Aleceia C. 1998
The Death Clock
How many years will you live?
to find out.
Lisa H. November 10, 1998
A little inspiration
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.
The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin.At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life".
This perspective has helped me to see that there is no "Way to happiness". "Happiness is the way". So, reassure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one...
So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy...Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Aleceia C. 1998
Growing Old is Mandatory
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. Insanity is my only means of relaxation. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart. There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese. Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes. It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. The three stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus.
Lisa H. February 19, 1999
Reverse Life Cycle
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement! You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school! You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam.
Aleceia C. 1998
Grandpa, Can I Sit on Your Lap?
A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap? "Why sure you can," her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" "A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog." The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?"Perplexed, her granddad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"
Lisa H. November 10, 1998
Playing the Age Ticket
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
Corrina W. February 18, 1999
Birth Certificate
An old man went into the Social Security Office and filled out an application. He was too old to have a birth certificate, so he was asked to prove his age. He opened his shirt and showed them the gray hair on his chest. They accept that as proof, and give him his first check. He went home to his wife, showed her the check, and explained to her what had happened. She replied, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can also get disability!"
Lisa H. January 22, 1999
Dead Penis
An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that." she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith I thought you told me your penis died." "It did." he replied. "Today is the viewing."
Lisa H. January 10, 1999
The Wheelchair Speed Demon
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arms outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. Have you a license for that thing? Ethel fished around her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper which she held up to him and replied, "Sure Do!" OK he said and she went on her way. Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and shouted STOP! Have you got a valid tax disc for your vehicle, madam? Ethel dug into her purse again and pulled out a beer coaster, which she held up to him, and he allowed her to pass. Going down the last corridor a third man jumped out in front of her. This one was smiling, stark naked and holding a sizable erection in his hand. Ethel said "Oh No" "Not the breathalyzer test again!"
Lisa H. January 14, 1999
The Face Lift
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the fast food clerk the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29." "I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good!
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your package for a few minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the man thought about it and said "What the heck" and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds
