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Sally's Sillies

Religious Joke

Joke Index

Honk if You Love Jesus

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the lord and didn't notice that the light had changed.

That bumper sticker really works! I found lots of people who loved Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the lord because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled "Jesus Christ" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting "Go, Jesus Christ, Go". Everyone else started honking too. So I leaned out of my window and waved and smiled to all of those people. There must have been a guy there from Florida because I could hear him yelling something about Sunny Beach and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant and they kinda squirmed, giggled, looked at each other and told me that was Hawaiian, for good luck. So I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed and I stepped on the gas and a good thing I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there! I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Suzanne N. October 3, 1998

Tommy's Confession

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned; I have been with a loose woman".

The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?" "Yes father, it's me." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you, Father, as I don't want to ruin her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No, Father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No." "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?" "No, Father." "Was it Amy Thomas?" "No, Father." "Was it little Cathy Morgan?" "NO, Father! I cannot tell you." The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Marys. Go back to your seat."

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What happened?!" "Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and six good leads."

Lisa H. October 3, 1998

The Pastor

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."

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Lisa H. October 3, 1998

Waiting at the Pearly Gates

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.

How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.

I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

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Lisa H. October 19, 1998 

The Ceiling Fan

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so,upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room, and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds this clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes on last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan."

Thomas T and Aleceia C. October 10, 1998

The Devil Comes to Church

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving . . . seemingly oblivious to the act that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.

Lisa H. October 19, 1998

Four Catholic ladies

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" So she replies, "My son is 6'2"... he has plenty of money... broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body...tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge...and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."

Lisa H. November 13, 1998

In Case of a Fire

During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"

  • The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed.
  • The BAPTISTS cried, "Lead us to the water."
  • The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire rings.
  • The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
  • The Roman Catholics took up a collection to cover the damage.
  • The Jews posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass them by.
  • The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself."
  • The Fundamentalists proclaimed the fire to be the anger of God on sinners other than themselves.
  • The Episcopalians formed a procession behind the choir and marched out.
  • The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
  • The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
  • The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
Lisa H. November 13, 1998

Selling Brandy to a Nun

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy." "Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!" "Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night, Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!" Sister Mary K didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna shit!"

Lisa H. October 7, 1998

The Blind Man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice bodies," says the man, "where do you want these Blinds?"

Lisa H. December 17, 1998

Wings

This woman dies and goes to heaven. While waiting in line, she hears this terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbs her somewhat, so she tracks down St. Peter to find out what is going on. "Oh that" he says, "that's just the woman in front of you. They are drilling holes in her back to attach her wings." The woman is still a bit upset by this and is pondering her position, when the screaming starts again. This time it is louder and more blood curdling than before. She calls St. Peter over again to find out what is happening to the woman now. "Oh that" he says, "they're just drilling holes in her head to attach the halo."

The woman decides that she wants out and tells St. Peter that she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell. "Are you sure you want to go there?" he says. "It's a terrible place, you'll end up getting sodomized and raped and even worse!" "That's okay" says the woman, "I already have the holes for that."

Lisa H. December 17, 1998

Dracula Meets the Nuns

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"

Lisa H. December 17, 1998

The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together. "Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one." Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. BUT.....

Two days later... "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

Lisa H. December 17, 1998

One Liners

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer: 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner!"

David G. November 18, 1998

Moses' Account of the Creation

by Marta M Robinson

In the book of Genesis is so familiar and so entrenched in our cultural heritage that many accept as actual historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam's ribs. Science has railed against such simple beliefs for centuries. Last week, at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea, archaeologists uncovered ancient, original texts that predate Moses' writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life's beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible . . . . . .

And God created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor her young. And God spoke, saying unto her, "I have created thee as I see fit, but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe (sigh). Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?

And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters; I do not need but two breasts." And God said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom." There was a crack and a lingering odor of ozone, and it was done, and Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand. "Now just what am I going to do with this useless boob?" Woman exclaimed.

And so it was, God created Man.

Bob G. December 16, 1998

Pancakes

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

Lisa H. December 17, 1998

Hippie and the Nun

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Lisa H. December 17, 1998

Jesus and Moses Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses "I want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days." Moses says "Yeah sure." So Jesus gets up and says "I think I'll walk on the water, that was always a good one." So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat, steps into the water, and sinks like a stone. Moses drags Jesus back into the boat and revives him. Gasping, Jesus says "I don't know what went wrong!" Moses replies, "Did you have those holes in your feet the last time you tried to do that trick?"

Lisa H. December 22, 1998

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please Him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Elizabeth the same question. She says nothing, but drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and she gets in and I don't!!!" "Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair every time."

Lisa H. December 23, 1998

The Minister, Priest and the Rabbi Go Swimming

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

Lisa H. December 23, 1998

Problematic Behavior

Two brothers in a small town were well-known as trouble makers. If there was a problem in town, these boys were guaranteed to be there. Their parents finally decided to do something about it. They called on the priest. He was known to have success in dealing with problematic behavior. He agreed to see them, but only one at a time.

The younger brother went first. He walked in and the priest asked him, "Where is God?" in a mild voice. The younger brother just sat there. The priest asked again, "Where is God?" The boy again just sat there. The priest tried once more, in a very annoyed and angered voice, "Tell me son, WHERE IS GOD?"

Terrified, the boy ran out of the room and straight to his room at home, where he hid under the bed. His older brother came in and asked what was wrong. The younger boy said, "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it!"

Lisa H. December 23, 1998

Sherlock and Dr. Watson go Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?," inquired Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute, and said "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

Lisa H. December 29, 1998

Father Norton Plays Golf

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he couldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his Parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Lisa H. January 4, 1998

What do you Want them to Say?

Three friends die in a car accident, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say.......LOOK,HE'S MOVING!

Peter Y.R. July 28, 1998

The Cab Driver and the Nun

A cabby picks up a Nun as a fare. He decides to see if he can embarrass her. The cabby says, "Sister, what do Nuns think about oral sex." The sister replies, "A lot has changed in the church. We tend to think of oral sex about the same way as masturbation. It's only acceptable as long as it doesn't violate the tenants of marriage."

The cabby decides to press on, "Sister, what do you personally know about oral sex?" The sister replies, "I have read about various techniques, but I am a little shy on practice!" The cabby senses an opportunity. "Sister, how would you like to practice on me?" She answers, "Well, you must be Catholic and single." The cabby replies, "Yes Sister, I am." So they pull off the road, the driver moves to the back, and the Nun gives him the most incredible oral sex he has ever had.

The exhausted cabby moves back to the front of the car and starts driving. He finally has to speak, "Sister, that was the best I've ever had, but I have to tell you something. I am actually Jewish and I'm married!." To which the Nun replies, "That's O.K., my son. My name is Greg and I'm on my way to a costume party.

Lisa H. January 15, 1999

God Created Man

God created the mule, and told him, 'you will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years'. The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, 'you will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.' And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.' And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only irrational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years. And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.' And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

Lisa H. December 23, 1998

Heaven Can Wait

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud.""So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

Author Unknown, 1998

God's Army

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Corrina W. January 18, 1999
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Quick Links to Jokes

Dracula Meets the Nuns
Father Norton Plays Golf
Four Catholic Ladies
God Created man
God's Army
Heaven Can Wait
Hippie and the Nun
Honk if You Love Jesus
In Case of a Fire
Jesus and Moses go Fishing
Moses' Account of the Creation
One Liners
Pancakes
Problematic Behavior
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton
Selling Brandy to a Nun
Sherlock and Dr. Watson Go Camping
The Blind Man
The Cab Driver and the Nun
The Ceiling Fan
The Devil Comes to Church
The Minister, Priest and the Rabbi Go Swimming
The Pastor
The Pope, Billie Graham and Oral Roberts
Tommy's Confession
Waiting at the Pearly Gates
What do You Want Them to Say?
Wings