An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "Don't worry, lady," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping." Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system, "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God to Man: "So you would love her." "But God",
Man: "why did you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you."
An 80 year old white man married a 25 year old white woman. The first year of marriage the couple had a baby. The second year they had another baby. The third year they had another baby. After each birth the doctor would comment that it was unusual for a man 80 years old to be that sexually active. Each time the man would reply "I just keep the old motor running" After the fourth baby was born, the doctor told the man he had better change the oil because this one was black.
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yeah, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So, what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "STOP"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized."
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man:"I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Oooohh. You are sooo right. I want you to leave."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.
After 30 years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that clump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
As she put my boob in line.
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes. There. That's just fine."
She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes.
A plastic plate was pressing down,
My boob was in a vice.
My skin was stretched 'n stretched,
From way up by my chin.
And my poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit.
"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say,
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now, let's get the other one,"
Lord have mercy, I was praying.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped - Ker-Pow!
This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt...
I'd like to get his balls in there,
For a month he'd go without!
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.
Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know; it has never happened.
Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A Widow.
Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.
Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.
Q: What did God say after creating Adam?
A: I must be able to do better than that.
Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: "Practice makes perfect."
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They are married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her,
"I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" She eagerly nods her head "yes!" The man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
In a busy city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini-skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still could not make the step. A little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step - and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!" At this the Texan drawled, " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
Diamonds are a girl's best friends. Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology
HIMmorrhoids
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
ET phoned home.
How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
