A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on those of a British background, which he was. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen. He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "AL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddled-up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to bloody walk home..."
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20million." The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! "... On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.E. and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again,"...On the road again..." The M.E. is totally unimpressed..."So what? he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?, the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the M.E. "Any asshole can sing country music!"
An Indian goes to a brothel and knocks on the door. When the madam answers the door he says, 'Me want woman." The madam looks at him a little funny and says, 'You want woman, huh?" The Indian says, "Me got money. Me want woman." The madam asks, "Have you got experience??" "Experience?" the Indian asks back. "Yeah, like, have you ever been with a woman before," she answers. The Indian says, "No...but me got money. Me want woman" The madam says, "Look, Tonto...go out in the woods and practice with the knotholes in the trees. When you know what you're doing, come back and see me."
The Indian goes into the woods and starts practicing on all the trees he can find with a knotholes. A week later, the Indian is back at the brothel knocking on the door. The madam opens the door and the Indian says, "Me want woman, me got money, me got experience." So the madam sends him upstairs with one of her girls. Once in the room, the girl removes all her clothes and he tells her to bend over. She does and he whacks her on the ass with a 2x4. She snaps straight up and yells, "What the hell are you doing!?!?!" The Indian replies, "Check for bees."
The following are examples of real "live" headstones found.
Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business of yours.
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.
In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann
Dec. 8, 1767 In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803. His comely young widow,
aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife,
and yearns to be comforted.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore Four slugs from a .44John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
eader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.
Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod a/nd under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Oops!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down.
It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
PERSONAL HABITS Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods. Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
DINING OUT When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the dixie cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table - no matter how good his manners are. Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa. If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
DATING (Outside the Family) Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago." Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time. If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.
THEATER ETIQUETTE Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a nasty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
Many people are at a loss for words when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now you can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt adn Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt; a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseperable throughout childhood and consequently; married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you an correct them.
