Snails 

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Lisa H. October 19, 1998 

Ten Dollahs

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

The pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars." They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands. He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't." And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!

Lisa H. November 10, 1998

In Tune with My Needs

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But, then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband asks, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. 

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. As she emerges from the fitting room wearing the third outfit, he tells his wife, "we'll take all three of them." He then leads her to the shoe department, telling her to get matching shoes (worth $200 a pair) for each outfit. From there, he goes to the jewelry department, where he picks out a set of diamond earrings. The wife is _SO_ excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care. While in the jewelry department, she asks him for a tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but okay, if you like it, then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." 

The husband says. "No -- no -- no. Honey, we're not going to _buy_ all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode... The husband smiles and then replies, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!"

Lisa H. February 17, 1999

Vacation in Transylvania

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania. They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It's late, and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.

After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry", replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

(Don't page down unless you have a strong stomach...)

Bob G. November 7, 1998