How Safe is it to Jump From a High Rise
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building -- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd man says, "What are you, a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," says the 1st man, "let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd man tells him, "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
"No, I'll prove it again" says the 1st man, and once again he jump and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
Says the 2nd man, "Well, what the hell -- it works, I'll try it. "So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a splat.
Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
Cheri S., October 9, 1998
Drinkin' Airplane Fuel
A couple of drinking buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at a New York airport. The runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The second guy says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that it will kinda give you a buzz."
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a beautiful time ... as only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up figuring that his head will explode if he gets up. Nevertheless, he gets up and is surprised to find that he feels good; in fact, he feels great .... no hangover! The phone rings. It's his buddy asking him how he feels.
"I feel great!" he says. His buddy agrees, saying, "I feel great too! You don't have a hangover either?" "No," he replies. "That jet fuel is great stuff ... no hangover. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing...""What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No..." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"
Lisa H. October 19, 1998
The FDA Warnings
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually indirectly CAUSE pregnancy.
Bob G. December 17, 1998
Hazelnut Daiquiri
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
Cheri S., October 9, 1998
The Demise of Mr. O'Malley
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned." Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Lisa H. October 14, 1998
Drinking is Good for the Brain
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regime of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that pint! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. CHEERS!!!!!!!!!
Lisa H. November 10, 1998
One More for the Road
Bob G. December 17, 1998
Adrift in a Life Boat
Two Scotsmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the two men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the Castaways, one did come forth!
This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned to the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the sudden stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one who's wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!!
Lisa H. November 10, 1998
Designated Driver
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
Lisa H. December 29, 1998
Female Hormones
Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed tha 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
Lisa H. February 16, 1999
Drink to my Brothers
This guy comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish Whiskey. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the bartender, eventually finishing the other two. This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you." The other gentleman replies, "No, I prefer it this way. See, I'm very close to my two brothers. They're both in Ireland now and this represents a drink for each of us.
This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together." The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested. This goes on for several months, and then one day, the guy orders two shots. Well the bartender begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. He's gotten to know this guy over the months and finally feels it necessary to ask. "Is everything alright?" the bartender asked. "What do you mean?" replied the gentleman. "Well," the bartender said, "all these months you've ordered three drinks. Now you've only ordered two. Something didn't happen to one of your brothers, did it?" "No", the gentleman replied. "They are okay. It's just that I quit drinking."
Corrina W., January 18, 1999
The Seeing-Eye Dog
A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around. The bartender speaks up and says, "Hey, what the hell are you doing?!" The blind man says "Just taking a look around."
